Not Feeling Loved? 4 Reasons Why You Should Look Into The Family Of Origin To Have A Loving Relationship

Now that people are getting more receptive and open towards therapy, few people also know and understand the importance of family and its origin.

But there are still a lot of people out there who do not understand the family origin work.

As we grow up, all our experiences and things that happen with us while small affect our present reality. Although we might be living separately or be married and live a different life from our family, we are still very much connected to our childhood memories, roots, and grounds.

When we take birth in a family, we just do not take the genes and DNA from our parents, but also we take on their patterns, habits, behaviour, situations and thoughts.

Ever wondered how does a child start understanding their mother from childhood without even learning the language?

When we get into a relationship or make new friends, we expect that we should get love, acceptance, validation and appreciation, but many times it doesn’t happen, and when that doesn’t happen, we feel hurt. We feel like we are doing all the right things and the best things we are supposed to do, and yet we feel like we aren’t receiving the love. If you are also experiencing the same, there could be a reason to feel unloved or not accepted. The reason for it lies in your family origin.

 1. Triangulation: 

What do we mean by that? So, when there is some stressful situation going on for a very long time, and the condition and problem don’t seem to end, the third person intervenes and solves the case. As a child, what we do mostly happens in dysfunctional families where there is a lot of financial trauma or stress or complication between the parents or any family members. The pressure could be non-verbal or verbal, and then there could be stress or fight, and at the same time, there could be stress that the family member is not talking about. Technically in the naked eye, you do not see any fights, but there are conflicts among the family members.

As a child, they intervene and try to solve the conflict. As children, we feel like we can do anything; we do not have any fears or guards or boundaries, so we just step into the issues. As a positive result, maybe the conflict gets resolved, or it improves. For example, suppose there’s a financial issue, and the parents cannot handle the economic pressure or crisis. In that case, sometimes the younger in the family takes responsibility and starts earning, and they start providing for their family. In such a situation, children start feeling sorry for the parents and become responsible and stop receiving from them as they think their parents are not capable enough.

So the situation on one ground looks as if it’s getting balanced and refined but psychologically, what happens with the child is that they stop receiving. A child should always be on the receiving end and the parents on the giving end. It is not the child’s job to fix any conflict. When they do so, the triangulation happens, and they become the bigger ones as they no longer behave like a child. They suddenly grow mature and become adult solving all the problems. In such a case, the child stops receiving altogether and only gives. They also stop receiving the love, which further manifests in their romantic life as they are more givers than receivers. Also, it’s a high possibility that they subconsciously attract a partner who is a receiver and doesn’t give or provide. This can happen in your friendships as well as in different relationships.

 2. Cut off or abandonment: 

You must have come across families that cut off or abandon their family members for multiple reasons. The next generation unknowingly or subconsciously actively starts imitating the pattern, behaviour, habits, thoughts and emotions from the abandoned family member to be remembered in the family. How often do you find a strange resemblance between a certain uncle or a random family member? Maybe there’s no connection with that uncle or the family member, but they look like them; their body features and behaviours resemble that of the abandoned member.

We are incredibly loyal to our families, and we cannot take any injustice to any family member. Abandonment is threatening, and the next generation takes on the features, patterns, habits, behaviours etc., so that the abandoned family member is remembered. When they take all these, they take the feelings of abandonment and the sadness carrying it forward in their own lives.

 3. When receiving and giving is not balanced: 

To maintain the decorum and the family tree in the family, it is essential to balance out the giving and receiving. When someone over gives or receives, the family member balances it out by accepting it or giving it. For example. If there’s too much of receiving and giving is imbalanced, the next generation finds it hard to take and keep sharing. There is an imbalance in their life in receiving. So when this happens, it can be in any form, it could be financially or even receiving love.

 4. Carrying emotions of the family members: 

As a child, when we take birth, we depend on our parents for survival. So when we see them going through any pain, we can’t see that; we fear that we might lose them. To unburden them, we share their emotion. We think by doing so, we are helping them by taking on a bit of their burden, but we end up carrying their feelings further. For example, if a mother is sad and takes on their sadness to ease the mother’s pain, the child holds the sadness with them. They could bring feelings of unlove, anger and sadness. There can be some confusion as the child might not be going through situations to feel these emotions but still feel them.

Do you resonate with any of the reasons or see yourself following any of the pointers? Then it’s time for you to dive into your family origin and resolve the conflict for a happy and peaceful life.

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